every beat of my heart

Wednesday, December 27, 2006
@4:26 PM

Days After Christmas

occasion: year 2006 christmas eve
venue: home.

its funny.

every year for the past few years i'll always try to plan a great night in/out with my friends to welcome christmas day. but this year, i chose to let it pass quietly and alone. technically i stayed in for dinner at my uncle's place and headed back home after. no after-dinner plans. no clubbing plans. no drinking plans. just me myself and i.

its 2am now and i'm sort of having some mixed feelings. telly's showing christmasy family friendly movies. my inner self was like laughing and crying for being such a pathetic loser who's at home alone spending christmas eve by herself and at the same time saving money spurging on alcohol while squeezing with mountains of human beings. then there's my suspicious self that cant help but to wonder if you really did spend christmas at home or otherwise...

for some unexplained reasons, i can't seems to feel the christmas spirit. i sort of felt it when i was wrapping up presents earlier and before, along with the christmas lights in town. but when i was out with you today, it just felt so.... plain...

i wasn't able to (and still cant) smell, touch and love christmas this year.

why?????
i hate this feeling.

its like i can't hear santa's sleigh bells anymore.
just like the kid in The Polar Express.

perhaps this year is the most crappiest year i had so far. each year seems to go from bad to worse and i don't know why.

i even brought along this dress back from KL which i kinda gotten specially for tonight. the so-called plan that was supposedly to happen but was later dropped due to circumstances. maybe this is another reason why i can't feel anything today?

cant seems to get rid of my bad habit of putting my hopes on high on the things people said to me. each and every time when someone mentioned about something exciting or new to me that they'll bring, it just turns into thin air...

to the one upstairs, why are you doing this to me time and time again? what have i done to deserve such a thing???

perhaps You're trying to teach me not to be so naive and trust people easily. but why can't something nice and good just happens to me and stays??

just read finish jean's blog. maybe we're actually going through this mentally-changing phase in life. where one will spend christmas eve alone and realising christmas hasnt got much effect on us 24-ers anymore? i don't want to believe such thing is true. i still want to believe in santa claus and that warm fuzzy feelings with goosebumps when u hear carols on the streets with the christmas lights lighting your way. shit.

philip invited me along to join charles, his sister and her frens tomorrow night for drinks. i obliged. been awhile since we last met up and charles + sis are back for the holidays anyway.

random pics on what i had been doing for the past many days....

salsa convention at MOS