as i was browsing ard my friends' profiles, i saw xxx's testimonial on xxx's profile...

i dont know why but all of a sudden, i feel this extreme jealousy building inside of me. i know its not right, especially when its between friends but sometimes it just cant be help.

plus its not up to an extent where like one is gonna physically abuse the other!!

its just a testimonial right? nothing much.. especially when its just afew words n stuff.. but.. its a very sweet testimonial.. from xxx to xxx... even more so when xxx is so popular among everyone..

it just sucks feeling this way.. this awful feeling inside when u knowingly know or supposedly know or guess dat dat someone wouldnt be interested in you when there's heaps of others who're better than you..

i'm not saying i dont have confident in myself. i just admit others have strengths that are stronger than mine. probably strengths that most people look for...

i just can't help but feel this way.. this jealousy building inside me.. knowing that i can't have what i want.. i dont usually put up a fight as such things can't be work out this way. if he doesn't fancy you, he doesn't fancy you. no matter what u do or say, he'll just be looking at her way.

althou the possiblities of him being touched by your care and concern after a long time might work, but usually he will just see you as a good friend who's always there to put him up when he's down and cheer him up when he's blue...

i dont really believe in putting up a fight to want a guy to like me. i dont exactly believe in playing mind games - it's just too tiring and time consuming.

but i can't bring myself to tell him how i feel for him. i am just too shy..

i did it once and it backfired on me. eventually i lost a friend as time went by. a good one in fact..

(those who're close to me shld know who i'm referring to)

i still kept the whole present - giftwrap paper n all - with me. my 18th bday if i recall correctly. and i truely loved the present very very very much...

i'm tired.. lost.. lonely.. n jealous-ed..

xoxox

this is just gonna be a very blank entry

why so?

1. its the wee hours of the night/morning.

2. i am so darn tired

3. lately i've been feeling not myself (come to think of it.. i never had)

4. i just need to talk but cant find anyone......

5. emotional breakdown - lost.sad.lonely.disappointment.cold.etc

6. so so so stressed

i really dont know how and what to think anymore. sometimes i juz feel like breaking down. i think i'm already halfway there.

then i gotten to know this friend. i realised we're having a somewhat similiar lifestyles. we're always on the move - being here, there, everywhere! and plus some other personal issues altogether. i can relate to how hes taking it and how hes feeling deep down inside. but i have yet to tell him my side of the story. hahahha probably i might.. probably might not.

these days been trying to look someone whom i can have long conversations with. someone new and hard to come by. like back during old-school days on ICQ/mIRC where u 'meet' someone new and then realised just how much both of you can relate to each other and how much you can actually talk to him about. how hours turns to seconds and the feeling of wanting to chat with him/her again soon.

i actually met someone like that.. it happened beginning of last yr. actually we knew each other ard Dec 2004. time really flies. anyway, everyday we exchange numerous messages on Friendster. there seemed to be endless things we were able to talk and share bout. from the momemt we took our first step into babyhood until our present days' experiences.

but one day, something happened. something soooo extremely minor that made him changed. it was something so minorly minor u have no idea what hit him in the head and just took a 360 degrees turn. then i just collasped.... my fren back in Sydney heard and tried to console me with all things nice.

everything happened so fast and it just ended in a split nanosecond..... we were so into it that we even talked and made arrangements of our future weekly meetups back n forth Sydney Canberra.. obviously that didn't happen.

come to think of it, he wasn't that great anyway. he even made a comment to me that made me twich and being the nice person i am, didnt made a big fuss out of it but just laughed it off. plus he also proclaimed to be a MCP himself!!

Oh My Lord.

what was i thinking?!?!?!

hahahahahahahhahahahahhahaha.

so much for a mindless entry. kekekeke~ digging up my old story to analyse. kekekeke~

alright. better try to study or gonna juz head to sleep.

bonne nuit~ *kiss*

xoxox

well.. got thru one of my midterms today. not very happy with myself.. feeling rather disappointed, sad.. and extremely extremely tired. exhausted.. drained out!!!

i dont know whats wrong with me lately. my emotions running like a rollercoaster ride again. i wish i know how and what i can do to cheer myself up.... :(

my birthday's this sunday...

sounds so weird typing that out..

its like this hollow feeling inside of me when i typed that. doesn't seems to hold any important meaning to it at all... i once remember being all excited about me birthdays..

whatz wrong with me????? :'(

probably its the lack of sleep... i should be alright by tomorrow..

theres so many things buzzing on my mind right now that i cant seems to think straight.. i need someone to talk to.. but i couldnt find anyone...

xoxox

yes.. once again here i am.. the lovely spot i ever choose to be in.

i dont know why but i did start my revision like 1 week ago. just that nothing seems to get into my head... until NOW!!!

so what can i do? stay up the whole night, for as long as i can to memorise/study read/study all 5 tutorials. oh and don't worry, i've got myself a companion.. MAY!!!!

hahahahhaha

that lady still working on her slides right this moment. and i thought she has already finish them like this evening or something..

-sigh- this is sooo tragic..

my laptop is making this funny sound.. i think theres a problem with the lil fan inside.. i think.. its a sign.. I NEED A NEW LAPTOP!!!!! wahahahhahahaahhah~ oh and since we're at that, i need a new camera too.. and an external hard drive.. plus thumb drive too.. hmmm what else.. ohoh and plenty of memory space for my new/old camera.. yup. thats all i can think of now.

i saw this really nice lappie the other day at Sim Lim Square. it comes along with a lil webcam too!! soooooo cute~ its black and just the right size. not sure whatz the price tag though.. couldnt really recall the brand as well.. heheheheheee~

errrrr.. anywayyyyy...

trying to get my brain working so i'm here blogging my nonsense away. seems to be working.. still thinking about my times in sydney.. cant seems to get it off my head.. :(

i need a miracle... like RIGHT NOW!

i understand watz going on when i read thru my tutorial 4 and 5.. but i'm juz worried that when i'm at the lecture tmr.. i wun remember how to answer the questions or those questions might not be related to the tutorials.. u know what i mean?? ARGHHHHH~

must not be too negative...

BE POSITIVE!!!

god i miss those sky ads in sydney....

right..

wish me luck people.. :(

the midterm later is 30%

I KNOW!!!!

i'm so dead...

xoxox

Hmmmmmzz

was on the phone with May earlier. asking her bout tomorrow's midterms and she still hasnt started on it yet. hahaha that lady been busy working on her assignment n presentation which are gonna be due tomorrow as well. she's already like done with the assignment n juz needed to work on her presentation slides so i presume everything should be up and ready by.... soon :)

so i slept at 5 this morning. i wish i could say that i was up studying but unfortunately i cldnt exactly concentrate on it. had a moment of genius mind-block.... ended up surfing the Net and gotten to know a new friend. hahahahahahah had a good and interesting conversation with him. its always nice to know someone new and juz sharing our bits and pieces of life together. sadly it wld be a mystery as to when our next conversation may be. due to our time differences and all. but technology is always so advanced so thank god for that.. i think!

i actually thought of going overseas to work when i graduate.. places like european countries and the states that is. prob the states stands a more favourable position due to that i only know how to speak english and mandarin.. still pathetically working on my french (japanese too) and perhaps some other foreign languages as well when i get my arse to it.

Last week everyone had a good time celebrating their graduation :)

.Congrats to all ladies and gentlemen of class 2005.

U guys have come a long way to this very day and i am sure been thru heaps of barriers and many wonderful experiences of life.

i'm still awaiting for my very day.. hopefully this coming september in Sydney :)

here are some pics from Keisuke, Yuto and Kosuke's graduation ceremony at YNU Yokohama, Japan.










alright. back to me books again -sigh-

xoxox

Feeling soooo tired today for no apparent reasons... -__-"

shouldn't have watch telly in my parent's room on the sofa again. always ended up feeling so exhausted the whole day being in there. anyway, had my lunch earlier on and took a lil stroll around the garden. the weather's not too bad today. not that hot and sunny like the past few days. i think it rained this morning or something.. the floor outside our porch looks wet

yesterday night i was watching Connie And Carla and it just reminded me of the Mardi Gras parade in Sydney. dragqueens and all. i love gay people. they're soo warm and friendly and not forgetting cute!! hahahahahaha~ i dont get why some people juz hate them so much. we're all humans hey. they just choose to like more unique stuffs and most of them do have a great fashion sense. like get a life already. wake up and smell the roses pal~ its after all the 21st century!

juz now i was watching Mean Girls. It was Grool!!! hahahahahha

Grool = great + cool

cant wait to see Bridget Jones Diary 2 later. i lovee the whole story plot. especially Daniel Cleaver -sighhhhh-

and did i do any revision at all today?

Yup!!! I did okieeeeeee.

i didnt juz slack at home the wholee day watching telly and being a coach potato. althou yesterday i was just too tired and didn't manage to read up much then headed to bed. told ya i have no idea why i am so exhausted all of a sudden.

PMS maybe?

-chuckles-

anyway, i have been putting some serious thoughts about travelling lately. i am just soo pysched about it that i couldn't stop thinking!!! hehehehehe~ i'm planning to go Taiwan again next year March. after my couz finished his army over there and then he will be able to bring us around. Us as in whoever's interested to join me!!

Did i mention that i wanna go Pulau Redang too? i got this brochure from this travel agency i was at while waiting for our coach to arrive in Singapore - KL. so anyway, the whole package sounds really sweet!! even got our 3 meals included along with other activities too. Plus the resort itself is like 5 stars!! I saw the pics and it juz looks FANTABULOUS!!!!!!!!

- trust me when i am the one whos choosing the accomodation -

i cant wait to go!!!!

Now i juz need to lose afew many pounds, spread the word and see who's interested to join me. Any takers?

teeheee~ :"P

i'll fill u in with the details later.

back to me books & telly!!

In A Dazed

It's already Saturday and i'm still slacking away... this is not good~

was just messing around with my new blogskin again. this time i've figured out how to change my cbox skin. so happy with it right now. everything's anew again :)

the only thing left is my cover pic. since i'm still struggling with 2 more months to go, decided to post up a very very studious pic of yours truly. HAhAHhAHHAhAHHAh.

plus i dont really take any pics in Msia since nothing much ever happens ard here and that i seldom go out anyway.

tonight they're showing Batman Forever and Connie And Carla on cable. hehehehe oh did i mention that this is what i usually do when i'm in Malaysia? *blush*

me and Audrey are just two terribly TV freaks when we're overseas. She's worst. She actually watched those reaaalllyyyy boring afternoon programmes over in Sydney (think Dr Phil, Ready Steady Cook!). the two of us are really terrible. i wonder what will happen if we actually live under the same roof back then............................................

got a feeling we'll both be broke almost every now and then..... (think cooking n shopping)
and not forgetting catfights over who gets the remote control..
ohoh!! and aplenty of alcoholic & sweet 'delights'
hahahahahahahha.

yea. its terrible alright. if u put us together, we're the hopeless shopaholics. like two peas in a pod. everywhere and anywhere we go, we sure can find something to buy or just simply bitch about. I can go broke with her around lor, especially in Sydney!!!!

but gosh do i miss those times in Sydney. coffee sessions along the nice cafes at george street. people watching, yummy delicious cakes, nice cold glass of ice mochas, that beautiful weather..
-sighhhhhh-

............................
ermm.. what am i doing?????

arrgghhhh!!!

.M.U.S.T.
.S.T.U.D.Y.

.C.O.N.C.E.N.T.R.A.T.E.

xoxox

New Skin!!!!

YES!! after much thinking and suggestions from Jyoji, i've finally decided to get this skin. it's simple, plain and easy to read. was actually contemplating between this and the other pink theme but chose this instead. it's not exactly something unique i was looking for, still i'm loving it plus i did manage to edit and add afew things here and there. took me like 2 hours to finish everything.

since i'm already here and still very much quite awake, might as well just blog about briefly what happened during my week back in Singapore. Like i mentioned before, very much delighted to be able to meet up with my old (and new) friends. althou there are still some of them i did not get to catch up, who were busy with their work and also clash in our time management. plus there's always next time :)

i'm just happy that i get to spend some quality time with my girlfriends, my boys and also not forgetting ALL my loved ones. pity there wasn't enough time to get into some serious clubbing sessions. guess that'll have to wait till my next trip back!!! heheheheheh did get to have some good alcoholic refreshments though :P

oh!! sometime early May, a friend of mine will be popping by malaysia just to meet up with me. so sweet right? awwwwwww~ heheheheh knew him for quite awhile now but just cldn't exactly recall how our friendship actually started. hes an australian whos currently working in London now with the backstage entertainment related industry. i think. anyway, i felt kinda bad for him to deliberately making a trip to KL just to catch up. i wouldn't be able to head back Spore for that short period due to my assignments dateline so he was more than happy to work his schedule around mine, so he said.

still, i'm somewhat excited to be meeting up with him during May. hahahah so touched that he made an effort to come all the way here.

Some of the pics i took with my girls, my boys and the good times
<3>




:: dinner @ Fish & Co. ::


:: His 1 litre mug of Lager @ Paulaners ::


:: Chris din manage to finish it in the end ~tsk tsk~ ::


:: acting tourists in Orchard. So kawaiinei~~!! :"P ::


:: wif RZ ::


:: caught the beautiful lightmen displace @ Esplanade ::

xoxox

p/s i cant seems to change my chat box skin :(

i'm back!!! juz finish watching the movie "From Justin to Kelly" on cable TV. not too bad. somewhat like a romeo n juliet musical theme with the american idols Kelly Clarkson and Justin in it.

since we're in the topic of love (romeo n juliet), i have been thinking for the past few days about just how complicating it is. think triangular relationship for example. how torturious it is to like someone when that someone likes someone else and then another someone likes you when unfortunately u don't like that another someone!!! *faintz*

Just like what Lynn's colleague was saying to her one day.

Quote "I rather stay single than having someone i don't like, liking me."

hahahahahahha

she was telling it to me one night when i was complaining to her about somebody.

seriously, it is soooo true.

i would definately stay single rather to have someone whom i don't like at all to like me. i know it sounds kinda mean but just think about it. of course i can understand how it totally feels to be that someone and how horrible it is when u're missing that person so much when at the end of the day, that person doesn't even think about you for just one second.....

it is really tragic how complicated love is.

either way, there is no winner when triangular relationships are involved. unless a miracle happens. maybe one day, one of them will wake up thinking just how fantastic the other person actually is and everyone just lives happily ever after!!!!

RIGHT!!!!

just how many percentage of that is going to happen?

anyway, this is just how complicated my life is now. to think that liking someone is bad enough... having to have someone you don't like liking you is just like adding the icing to the cake!! only to make the cake taste even more sour than it already is. *slaps forehead*

for now, i'm just gonna concentrate on my exams next week. feelings are too complicated to mess with and if things are meant to be, i'm sure everything will work out as it's supposedly be. sounds very chim right? if only i can just stop thinking about it.

HaHhAHahAHhAHhhaha

-__-"

at least i've got my darlings with me

thru e bad times n e good ones :)

i really shld start on my revision for next week

-blush-

and also my morning jogging sessions...

is what i need!!!!

xoxox

as i mentioned earlier in my previous post, i wanted a new skin for my blog after having this present one for awhile now. i did design up a new skin but it didnt turn out to be what i wanted so due to the lack of time i have on my hands and i need a change pronto, i turn to the trusty blogskin.com hehehehhe~

as usual, i had a hard time deciding which skin to choose from *sigh* i found a few actually... still pondering on whether its what i wanted. i kinda fell in love with this jessica alba streetlight skin but the more i look at it, the more plain i think it seems to be :(

i'll probably post it up later and see what u guys think of it...

just a short post... going downstairs to watch cable!!!

kekekekekekekke

:"P

Back to Reality

I'm in Malaysia KL now. Just reached only yesterday night and now it felt like as though the one week in Singapore was like a dream. hahahah Next week gonna have 2 midterm papers. gotta really study for it this time~

Was reading through Keisuke's blog earlier. He wrote something which i think is kinda worth pondering about.

Quote " Life is very funny. in a sence, it's circulating. like meeting many new friends, life. but another sence, it hasn't come back like getting older. But about friends, as long as we can keep in touch as friend, we'll meet again somewhere inside Japan, in the world. then we will be able to more & more get closer until we die.So maybe life is like this, i think. "

-pardon his english hehehehehhe-

Anyway, so i was damn busy during the past few days in Singapore. My ex-colleague Daniel from Poland popped by Singapore on his way back home from Australia for 3 days and i was busy bringing him around the Island for the 1 1/2 days straight. we had gone sooo many places in such a short time period that it was just crazy. both of us was totally exhausted at the end of the day~ hahahahahha totally fun but totally exhausted :P

let me recall the places we managed to hit - Raffles Hotel, Marine Square, Suntec City, Paulaner, Esplanade, Merlion, The Fullerton Hotel, Sim Lim Square, Bugis, Orchard, Lau Pa Sat, Singapore River Cruise, Boat Quay, Raffles Square, crusied past Clarke Quay. think that was about it. It was madness i tell u. so much walking we both did. he so wanted to check out the Singapore clubbing scenes but due to his bad timing (monday and tuesday), no place was opened then. hahahahahahahah~

yours truly even pretended to be a tourist meself and took some pictures alongside with him
-blush-

here are the pictures i took.
i think the photos from his camera looked much better but still waiting for him to email it to me.



:: Raffles Hotel ::


:: naked lil boys statute outside Fullerton Hotel ::

:: Us by the Quay ::

:: Singapore's Pride and Joy - her skyscrapers ::

Been back for 5 days now. Managed to meet up with certain friends and loved ones since.

Met up with chris and lynn on thursday for dinner, after doing some shopping and catching a movie in the morning with audrey. was waiting for lynn to finish her work so me and chris walked all the way from Orchard to Suntec City.. along the way we talked about the popular statement "why women can't read maps and why men doesn't ask for directions". dont even bother asking how it started. Finally decided to have dinner at Fish & Co. and ended the night with drinks at Millinium Walk.

Lately been wanting to have drinking session but nothing happened... Its hard to plan for such thing when everyone's busy and parents around. hahahahha its nice to be high enough to forget whatz been going on so far in your life.. just being happy, playing and laughing the night away..

Just had my lil bday get-together with my darlings on friday night. Elmer couldn't make it due to his army exercise. Hopefully we can meet up again before he flies to UK for his further studies. Think hes doing some really interesting courses... Remember him mentioning about.. Tissue? anyway, Mr Elmer Ker's ambition is to be a scientist so I wish him all the best :) He definately has that sort of knowledge and capability in him. RZ, charles, philip and lynn came. Didn't take a picture though.. lazy~ hehehehe

Been doing some catching up with Lynn. Glad she's slowly moving on with her life right now, especially since yours truly been introducing some new friends into her life. hehehehehehe still planning on making that one getaway trip together..... got a feeling its gonna take some time to actually be confirmed.

So i finally had some karaoke session!!! Went to K-Box with RZ in the morning for their K-Lunch hour (11am-2pm). Not tooooo bad but still prefer the karaoke system over in Sydney. heheheh Lynn didnt wanna join us for karaoke so we met up after and did some window shopping. In the evening, all 3 of us went down to CityHall to meet William and manage to catch Big Mama House 2.. Not that great.. has some funny scenes but.. i dont know.. i juz feel not myself lately..

Relatives coming for dinner tonight and everyone is preparing the food now... Gonna help them in awhile after i finish this. Something's wrong with me and I dont know how to explain it. Just like that Deviana told me the other day - you feel like crying but you don't know why. Just feel so terribly inside and you cant explain the reason. Perhaps I do but i just don't know...

Friends ask me whats wrong and i just don't know what or how to tell them. its either too long to start and too little time to end.

it just hurts knowing that you have that feeling inside but theres nothing you can do about it but to just keep quiet.

i just want to get high and forget about all these shit inside me... i need to escape...

Hurts so bad

xoxox

havent been blogging for awhile. was either busy making changes to my life right now or else been busy doing pretty much nothing. so many things to update but seems like i cant think of alot of them right now. hahahah

well my taiwan uncle and cousin has gone back yesterday. i guess their trip here has been pretty much entertained. heard that my other uncle been feeding them both with the local food and all. me and mummy did our fair share of showing them around too.

its already the 5th week now. scary how time lifes when u're not actually keeping watch. went to check my subject outlines on saturday and realised that the mid-terms are coming in less than 2 weeks time - week 7. gotta start studying for it liao.

good news is, i'll be heading back home in T-minus few hours time!! Yipeeeeee~ the joy! *LOL*

sadly the stay will only be for 1 week. cant get much things done if u ask me. my time will be tooo packed. during the day my friends will all be working.. and night time is the only period they'll be free to meet up and all. in a way, its good that my day is free. then i'll be able to spend more time with my grandparents :)

lets see now - Wed noon will be playing badminton with my dear cousins. den meeting up with RZ in the evening for dinner after his work. Thurs meeting my darling Audrey for lunch and movie!!! den at night dinner plan with Chris. Fri will be the big night. having homecooked bday dinner by yours truly with close friends. so excited and looking forward to it! hehehehhe~

the weekends plans are still uncertain. hopefully to do some K session with RZ as discussed earlier last week. not forgetting the many catching ups to do with my darling Lynn, along with maybe one or two others. coffee and cakes are just one of the definates!

few nights ago i was checking out the other coach services from KL - Spore and vice versa. my mummy was asking me to look at Transtar (www.transtar.com.sg). it kinda caught my attention but unfortunately the dropoff/pickup point in Singapore is at Lavendar. Mummy said too far.. -__-"

in the end, dad op for the cheaper option. not sure how and what this coach service is like.. his patients who travelled back and forth spore like us. anyway, the main thing is i juz wanna get back home.. HOME!!!!!!

oh and since my mid-terms are coming so soon.. i'll be bringing my 2 lecture notes along with me. heheheheheheh~ will trrryyyyy to study during my free time :)

gotta start my packing. waking up early tmr for my morning lecture too. seeeee~ i'm very hardworking k. i still go for morning lecture althou i'm leaving at 2pm later in the day :P

xoxox

A small tribute

to all of my wonderful darlings out there

:)

for all the memorables & unforgetables.
for all the everythings & nothings.
for all these & those.
for all ups, downs, lefts & rights.

i love you~ <3>

As i was reading through my old posts on my older blogsite, i realised the difference on the style of my writing, now and then. i dont know why but now, i dont really like the way i write sometimes. it doesnt seems to be like me. it seems so plain and dull. seems to me like its more like a personal schedule plan of my daily life more than like a personal blog. hahahaha there was even comments on my older blogsites from strangers liking my style of writing and that i shld carry on.

i wonder what happened to the other me.

have i really changed so much over the many months and few years? that somehow it has also affected my style of writing? or maybe i just cant be bothered to pen down some interesting stuffs or at least one that doesnt sound like a 'personal schedule' of mine.

actually there is a difference in me now. the present me. i seems to let go of almost everything. my emotions are like a roller coaster ride every once so often. i begin to see things at a lighter note. mostly so as not to hurt myself too much. in terms of disappointments, anticipations, promises, goodbyes and so forth.

i am sure everyone of you out there realise how hard life seems to be now. especially when you are already in your 20s. life is no longer a bed of roses. its no longer the fairytales you love to read and daydream about all day and night. to some, its more of how much will i get back if i give that much out. we look more at opportunity costs now, lesser of thinking with ur heart more than ur head.

nothing counts. disappointments outweighing anticipations and promises. betrayal and heartaches seems to be part of our daily lives now. the older u get, the wiser u become. u have to or else u will never survivie in such a cold and cruel world. power and money is the key. with them you can be the king. without them, you are nothing but just a pathetic soul out there trying to make the best out of every possible opportunity.

but of cos there is always that little ray of sunshine which shines upon us out of the blue. that little ray of sunshine which gives us hope for a better tomorrow. that moment of happiness, dreams coming true, a new born's innocence. soon comes the heavy clouds and then darkness falls upon us. Reality setbacks.

some feelings are just so hard to actually describe in words. what do you say when you have been lifted up so high, almost touching the clear blue skies when suddenly you are being hit smack right back onto the cold hard earth? how many times have we experience such mixed emotions? how many times have we tried to stand back up on our feet and try to climb up again? and again... and again...

how many times can one torlerate such horrid feelings until we just simple explode one day? then what happens?

can i say it is so forth better to just not have any expectations in life? it seems the more you expect and anticipate some things in life, the harder it will hit you right back in the face. if you dont expact anything, least it wouldn't feel that bad if reality kicks you in the butt.

what are dreams now then? are they just clouds, floating in the sky, waiting for you to grab hold of it? when it is quite impossible? if one runs out of dreams, what can one live on?

I guess everyone of us just have to be strong. and live on each day. achieve the best you can out of it and hopes that one day.... just one day, your dreams will finally come true..