Confessions : Confusions : Convicted

i can't seem to smell the rose no more. Happiness all too short-lived. I can't find myself anymore. I see this person in the mirror but I don't recognise that image looking back at me. No one can imagine the experiences I have been through. Experiences involving the rich and famous, the poor and the average, police, deaths and lots more. I have always been living for other people. My path has already been paved out for me ever since I was born. Decisions mostly made not by me. I have learn to adapt and survive. I have cried my heart out for days and nights when things are just too much to handle. But each time it just creeps back to me silently, inflicting me with more misery and pain. I tried hiding. I tried crying. I even tried not thinking about. No matter what i do. It's always there. Something I can't control. Something horrible yet can't live without. My emotions is driving me everywhere.

I can feel it coming back again. I don't know how to describe it and I don't know how to control it. I can't breathe properly. I feel like giving it up. Feel like just letting it take over my whole mind, body and spirit. I'm just too tired to fight it.

I'm so lost... I need a compass to lead me somewhere safe. I've lost my direction in life. Or was it I never had it in the first place? Why must something which is going on so perfectly, has a flaw? Why, when i think i finally have something going, there must be this huge wall crushing down on me????? Seriously.. I can't take it.. It's just too heavy. I'm getting weaker and weaker.

Sure I managed to get out of it everytime. But only after many days struggling and nights pondering, crying, trying to breathe. Am I self-inflicting myself with such horrible emotions?? I need a cure.. I need someone.. As much as i try to act strong and pretend everything will be fine, it's just too hard. I dont know how to explain the way i'm feeling right now, and all these while. On and off. EMotional Rollercoaster Ride...

I've lost myself. I no longer know who I really am. This is all just getting too ugly for me to take. Even angels die...

I want to see the rainbow, the clouds and the beautiful stars. I want to smell the lovely roses, childen laughing, pure joy and happiness.

If tomorrow is a brand new day, why am I still living in the same frame? If every cloud has a silver lining, why am I still feeling this way? Where is my guardine angel? Where has all the fairytales gone? What am I doing here?

I need some time out......................................... but there's not much time left now.... I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm no longer the person i used to know before. Everything is changing and I can feel it. Happiness is short-lived now while Reality kicks in.

How i wish i can go back to the time when things are so much simpler, so much love, joy, laughter and pureness..................................................................

Life isn't what it used to be no more. Adulthood is neither a pinch of salt, a cup of tea, the birds and bees, Mary Poppins, something nice nor sweet.