.emotional-rush.

juz came back home from drinks with audrey n co. right now feeling the side-effects of the alcohol - depression. hahahah managed to change my blog skin before going out earlier on after getting the call from audrey. i guess its nothing very much fantasic but just feel like having a change. still looking for the perfect one.in many ways. waiting...wishing...hoping...praying.

i cant seems to put in words how i'm feeling right now. i can but its just not the right place to do it. as much as i try to think positively most of the time, everything juz swells up beneath and finally explore after awhile. well, more like every month. hahaha prob its juz PMS. oh well....

sometimes i juz wish dat things can just go my way. for once. i so miss that feeling... i really try my best to not think about it. but knowing other people being so happy and all just doesnt seems to help much. i mean i am happy for them being in that state but at the same time, i wish i'm part of them as well. i wish i am able to know who he is or how is he doing. its crazy i know. some things are just not much to be rushed. i guess i'm just used to the feeling of being lonely after being the only child for like 23 yrs and counting. as much as i wanna focus on other stuffs, it juz comes back to me. and i totally hate this feeling. fark this feeling. fark everything. it just sucks so much that i wish to just let everything go. i know it sounds stupid and childish but theres just no other way i can put it. i feel so lost..... i want to feel that sense of belonging again.. feeling of comfort... love and security. no point giving me good words and everything. yes prob it feels good for awhile. after that, it just doesnt matter cos i know that towards the end, its just me. and me alone.... why bother pretending? why give me those wonderful praises and everything? i know u're speaking the truth and trying to make me feel better. but look, i'm still me.... nothings changed. and i guess, nothing will for a long time... why are you doing this to me? cant u feel the hurt i'm in right now? what are you trying to prove to me? am i really one of god's messengers to all the other people around? i'm hurt.. and i'm lost.... cant you see?